It’s been a while since my last real talk post but I like to come back here every now and again to share something with you. It’s important for me to share my real and honest experiences with you because I know how much it can help to have something to relate to. Today I want to talk about my experience of weight gain and how I’m coping, and not coping, with it.
In the body positive community, we teach that weight gain is not a bad thing to happen to your body. However, as someone who has internalised the fear of weight gain from a young age, it’s a difficult change to process. My weight gain started back in September when I had surgery on my leg and was completely inactive for nearly 6 weeks. Lock down brought increased anxiety and more comfort eating and here I am, the largest I’ve ever been.
I can’t tell you how much weight I’ve gained because I don’t weigh myself. Over the last 6 months, I’ve been coping quite well with the weight gain. I made sure to remind myself that my body does not define my worth. The weight gain was a result of inactivity and it was completely natural for my body to change.
Starting to struggle
I stopped coping when my clothes felt too tight. All the feelings of shame and guilt came rushing back and I began to panic. It’s taking me a long time to find a job (*enter more feelings of shame) and I don’t want to spend money on new clothes when the clothes I have are perfectly fine.
In winter, I like to wrap up in big over-sized jumpers but for Summer, I have pretty, fitted clothes. Even the flowing dresses that I have are too tight around my chest because my boobs are bigger. (That’s a whole other issue that I have that I’m not going to get into today.)
What do I do?
I wish I could end this blog post with an empowering message to be your best self but I said I wanted to keep this honest. I don’t feel like my best self. At the moment, I have the internal battle of wanting to stay as far away from diet culture as possible, and also wanting to fit into my clothes again.
What I want you to take away from this post today is that, if you’re struggling with body changes during this lock down period, I understand. You’re not feeling this alone. Whatever happens, we should always remember that our bodies do not define our worth.
If you’re struggling with your relationship with food, contact BEAT Eating Disorders service for support.